I feel like someone signed me up- without my consent- to join a dodgeball tournament that seems to have lasted a few years now. It’s been one ball after the other, knocking me out. I’ve always managed to pick myself back up and move forward. But recently I gave up. I had enough. I really need a break. This last ball that came tumbling full force towards me crushed every tiny bit of hope, strength and faith I had left. I am hoping this is it because I still haven’t been able to get myself back up. I need a pause button. Preferably a rewind button. I’d go back a few years and pause it indefinitely.

Rainbows without rain wouldn’t exist. Good & bad, they come together. You don’t get one without the other. I get that. When we go through tough days, we convince ourselves it all happens for a reason. And maybe sometimes it does. But I can’t imagine there would be a reason for watching the suffering of someone you love. And then watching them slowly slip away. Or for a mother to have to bury her child. Or for a war that is so unjust. There isn’t a reason in the world that can convince me that such things have to happen for the world to be right. We don’t always need to be twisting tragic situations into positive life lessons. Because sometimes you just can’t. It’s fine to just admit that something terrible happened and it’s unfair. No explanations. No cover ups. No reasons. It just isn’t fair. And it’s hard. And it hurts.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds either. You learn to cover up your sadness with a smile when you are around others. You learn how to switch off the thoughts that might provoke your tears. You learn to store those tears till your head hits the pillow at the end of the day. You learn to continue in life with a wound that will stay in your heart forever. A hidden scar that changes you. A scar that I wish I didn’t have, but a scar that represents the love I have for my dad. A love that will never die.

Life is not always rainbows & sunshine. I wish it were, but it’s not. I have many questions about life, death & everything in between that I hope to get answered so I can restore the parts of me that feel broken right now. Losing my dad has been hard. I still don’t want to believe it. A piece of me left with him. And a piece of him will always live within me. Always.